Don't punish your children very often or very harshly!
Harsh punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent's goal. Research studies in child development have consistently shown that among the undesirable side effects of punishment are:
- The child will try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation.
- The child will have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her.
- Punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present.
The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (to let your child do anything he wants), if there is anything more harmful to the child's development than punishment it is permissiveness.
The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called "directed positive influence." Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, your positive attention, or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong.
Anas ibn Malik (RA) narrated: ‘’Allaah's Messenger (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) had the best disposition amongst people. He sent me on an errand one day, and I said: By Allah, I would not go. I had, however, this idea in my mind that I would do as Allaah's Messenger (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) had commanded me to do. I went out until I happened to come across children who had been playing in the street. In the meanwhile, Allaah's Messenger (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) came there and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind me.
As I looked towards him I found him smiling and he said: Unays, did you go where I commanded you to go? I said: ‘Allaah's Messenger, yes, I am going.' Anas further said: I served him for nine years but I know not that he ever said to me about a thing which I had done why I did that or about a thing I had left as to why I had not done that. (Bukhari)
In Islaam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to certain rules:
- First, you should explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong, explain how their behaviour is not consistent with the Will of Allaah and offer him guidance as to what Allaah has told us is the right way to act.
- Second, if the gentIe instruction does not result in the child correcting his wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times).
- Third, and only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct their wrong behavior.
In Islaam, while you are allowed to beat your child it is most certainly not encouraged. If it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations:
- You may not hit your child on the face.
- And, you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin.
Additionally, you should never hit your child when you are' angry. Not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment, but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.
And Allaah knows best!