“O Prophet! When you divorce women, divorce them at their 'Iddah (prescribed periods) and count(accurately) their 'Iddah (periods). And fear Allaah your Lord (O Muslims). And turn them not out of their (husband's) homes nor shall they(themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of some open illegal sexual intercourse. And those are the set limits of Allaah.” (Q65 [Talaaq]: 1)
Tafsir Ibn Kathir
The Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) was addressed first in this ayah, to honour him, even though his Ummah is also being addressed in Allaah's statement: "O Prophet! When you divorce women, divorce them at their 'Iddah (prescribed periods)."
In his saheeh, Muslim has recorded ahadeeth where 'Abdullah bin Umar (RA) was asked: "What about a man who divorces his wife while she is still on her menses?" 'Abdullah answered, "During the time of Allaah's Messenger (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam),'Abdullah ibn Umar divorced his wife who was menstruating during' the lifetime of Allaah's Messenger (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam). So he said:"Let him take her back." So she returned and he said:"When she is pure, either divorce her or keep her."Abdullah ibn Umar (RA) said that the Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) recited this ayah: "O Prophet! When you divorce women, divorce them at their' Iddah (prescribed periods)."
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (RA) commented on Allaah's statement: "divorce them at their 'Iddah.” He said, “Purity without intercourse.” (Tabari) and ibn Abbas also commented that, “he does not divorce her while she is on her menses, not while she is pure if he has had intercourse during that (purity). Rather, he leaves her until she has her menses and after the menses ends, then he divorces her once."(Tabar). So he divorces her in her clean period while it is clear that she is not pregnant and he has not had sex with her.
This is why the scholars said there are two types of divorce, one that conforms to the Sunnah and another innovated. The divorce that conforms to the Sunnah is where the husband divorces his wife when she is not having her menses and without having had sexual intercourse with her alter the menses ended. One could divorce his wife when it is clear that she is pregnant.
As for the innovated divorce, it occurs when one divorces his wife while she is having her menses, or after the menses ends has sexual intercourse with her and then divorces her even though he does not know whether she is pregnant or not.
There is a third type of divorce which is neither Sunnah nor an innovation where one divorces a young wife who has not begun to have menses, the wife who is beyond the age of having menses, and divorcing one’s wife before the marriage was consummated.
Allaah says: “and count (accurately) their ‘Iddah (periods).” Meaning, count for it and know is beginning and end, so that the ‘Iddah does not become prolong for the woman and she cannot get married again. “And fear Allaah your Lord (O Muslims)” in this matter.
Allaah says: “and turn them not out of their (husband’s) homes nor shall they (themselves) leave,” meaning, during the duration of the ‘Iddah, she has the right to housing from her husband, as long as the ‘Iddah period lasts. Therefore, she must not be forced out of his house, nor is she allowed to leave his house, because she is tied to the marriage contract. Allaah said: “except in case they are guilty of some open illegal sexual intercourse.” Meaning adultery, according to Abdulaah ibn Mas’ud (RA) and others. Or it implies disobeying her husband openly or when she abuses her husband’s family in words and actions according to Ubayy ibn Kaib (RA) and others.
Allaah’s statement: “and those are the set limits of Allaah.” Meaning these are from his legislation and prohibitions.
Why marriages fail!
Marriages usually start off so nicely. Everyone cooperates – the couple, their parents, other relatives, and friends. But somewhere along the way, disputes pop up and can escalate to dangerous levels if not dealt with correctly.
The Sharee'ah provides divorce as the answer to certain circumstances that are beyond the spouses. For instance, any serious defect physical, mental or character - in either spouse can lead to divorce. Similarly, a judge can put an end to the marriage in case of misrepresentation of facts or a fatal flaw in the marriage contract e.g. if the spouses are forbidden to each other [see (Q4[Nisaa]:22-24)].
Also, the wife could seek divorce due to long absence of her husband and not knowing his whereabout. In this case she should wait for four years, then observe Iddah for four months and ten days before she may marry another man as contained in the ruling of Umar (RA). (Malik)
Others include long/life imprisonment, capture by war, impotence, inequality between multiple wives, severe poverty or refusal to provide for the wife. Said ibn Musaiyab (RAH) narrated regarding a man who finds nothing to spend on his wife: "They are to be separated." He was asked, 'Does this pertain to Sunnah?' And he replied, 'Yes, it pertains to sunnah.” (Bulugh al-Maram)
If the husband remains a Kafir (unbeliever) after the wife has accepted Islaam, dissolution becomes necessary; the ruling is the same if he or she apostatizes from Islam. However, there are some problems that are general to many marital disputes and causes marriages to fail. We discuss them below:
Improper Information: A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include: whether the marriage will be guided by the expectations of the Deen or the [worldly] Dunya, whether or not the wife will work outside the home, will the family be large or small, will they live with his parents or have their own apartment, will the husband work in Abuja and the wife live with the in-laws in Lagos? All of these falls within the ambit of the saying of the Prophet (Sallaallaahu 'alayhi wasallam) that:
"When one of you proposes to a woman, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so:"(Ahmad)
Still, couples should not look for perfection because you would not find it! Allaah says:
"If you dislike them. It may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a greater deal of good."(Q4[an-Nisaa]:19).
All humans have good and bad points but neither of the partners is ideal or an angel. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
Differences in the Deen: This is a growing problem where the couple is not keeping pace with each other in terms of their growth in Islam. One example is where the husband lacks proper understanding of the Deen and would not fulfil his obligations but uses his wide 'powers' to lord things over the more perceptible wife. Another example is where the nonchalant wife becomes the outlet through which the steadfast husband loses his Imaan or the husband is trying to slow down a more steadfast wife.
First, it must be stressed that the wife primarily must obey her husband. Allaah says:
"... therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient [to Allaah and to their husband] ... " (Q4[an-Nisaa]:34).
She must realize that the husband is the shepherd and she is the sheep and that the husband is the Ameer over her and his lawful commands must be obeyed. In this regard, the Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said:
"The person must obey in whatever he loves and in whatever he hates, in ease and in hardship, in willingness and un-willingness; except if he is commanded to disobey Allaah. So if he is commanded to disobey Allaah then he should not listen nor should he obey." (Bukhari)
What if the husband commands what the wife disapproves of? The Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) advised:
"Give them their right and invoke Allaah, since He is with you."(Muslim)
However, the wife may be the source of guidance for the husband as Umm Sulaim (RA), the mother of Anas ibn Malik was to Abu Talhah (RA) when he sought to marry her. Also, the husband must realize that when it comes to the matters of the Deen, the wife may still seek the opinion of other people before her soul is content; even when he is right. Narrated Abu Saed al-Khudri (RA): "Zainab, the wife of Ibn Mas'ud came and said 'O Allaah's Messenger you have today commanded that Sadaqah [meaning Zakaat] be given out and I had some jewellery of mine so I wanted to give it as Sadaqah, but Ibn Mas'ud claimed that he and his children have more right for my Sadaqah to be spent on them." The Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wasallam) said:
"Ibn Mas'ud told the truth your husband and children have more right to be the beneficiaries of your Sadaqah." (Bukhari)
Money: Couples argue over many things but money [or lack of adequate maintenance] is by far one of the most frequent and serious. The problem is usually that "he never gives enough money" or that "she asks for too much". Allaah says:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend [to support them] from their means." (Q4[an-Nisaa]:34)
The husband must realize that his most important responsibility is to maintain the home; most especially the needs of the wife. The Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) warned that:
"it is sinful enough for a person to withhold food from the one whose (pod he possesses." (Muslim)
If a man has money then"... he should spend first on those he is responsible for providing them, lest a woman would say. 'Feed me or divorce me.”(Daraqutni)
Let the husband know that the wife is 'empowered' to take what is sufficient for her from his income i fhe fails to fulfil this obligation. Hind. Abu Sufyaan's wife said:
"O Messenger of Allaah, Abu Sufyaan is a miser who does not give me and my sons enough maintenance except what I take from his property without his knowledge. Is there any blame on me?"He replied. "Take from his property what is reasonable and enough for you and your sons." (Muslim)
The solution is to discuss issues openly and consult within the family. One of the ways to avoid arguments about money is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses income investments, and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities.
Sexual Problems: This is one of the least talked about problems but it is one that wreaks havoc in a number of marriages. Allaah says:
"Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth, when or how you will, and send [good deeds] for your own selves beforehand." (Q2 [al-Baqarah]: 223)
Still it is unrealistic to expect the issues related to sex [how to when to. what frequency etc.] to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married. Couples tend to expect instant results; then when they are not satisfied with their spouse. a number of them turn toothers or seek easy divorce instead of a solution. In reality it takes time to establish a sexual relationship that meets the needs of each partner.
It is important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Marriage is not an excuse to gain too much weight. to be unhygienic or to be uncaring about your looks. Rather marriage should be the reason to become more attractive for your spouse in the one place that you have no restrictions: your home. Knowledge practice and if possible the advice of a wise compassionate scholar is two key elements in finding a solution to this problem.
Domestic Skills: While girls are being encouraged to become scientists, engineers and doctors etc. there is little or no emphasis being placed on gaining domestic skills. Hence the new wife cannot cook well or is unable to prepare the husband's best meal. She cannot even keep a neat home particularly once kids come along. Worse she cannot function without a maid and the husband will have none of that! It becomes complex when the husband is 'old-fashioned' and would not lift a finger at home while the wife expects a generous helping hand as the Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wasallam) did with his wives. Then he does not expect his wife to argue with him since he is the boss of the home.
It should be remembered that in Islam women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother: If both spouses are working. the husband should pitch in more in the home and remember that his wife is a not a machine, but a human being who also needs rest after a hard day’s work. And of course,, he married a human being who would differ with him on occasions.
Childlessness: A marriage without children is unthinkable for many couples. And you do notblame them because having children is one of the important reasons for getting married. The Rasul (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said:
"Marry for I will out number the other nations by you on Qiyama." (Ibn Majah - Sahih)
However should a Muslim marriage break down because of something beyond ourcontrol? Allaah says:
"He bestows female [offspring]upon whom He wills, and bestows male [offspring]upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things."(Q42[ash-Shuura]:49-50)
Where then is our trust in Allaah [Tawakkul]?
Even when Allaah blesses a marriage with children the tug of war that results from differing understandings of parenting are also a source of tension in marriage. One solution is to start learning about Islamic parenting before having children. If you already have kids you can still learn. Have you read the DEEN DIGEST edition on TARBIYYAH
[Vol. 6 No.2]? It is a good piece to start with.
Stress & Domestic Violence: Stress is an almost constant factor in most people's lives in Nigeria, particularly Lagos. Muslim couples are no exception. Stress from work and commuting, fore xample is carried into the home. Couples and families need to work out a coping mechanism in the family. The methods can vary. but as long as they are haalal (permissible) and effective they can be used. When stress is not treated and they build up, ultimately it results in domestic violence.
If domestic violence is not stopped the destructive effects will not only be harmful to the husband and wife but to their children as well. The Prophet (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam) was asked. "What are the rights of a wife of one of us on the husband?" Heresponded. "You should give her food when you eat clothe her when you clothe yourself, not strike her onthe face, and do not revile her or desert her except within the house.” (Ahamd) seeking help is naecessary and family members, friends and scholars need to stop the abuse.
In-laws & friends: In-laws are, typically the focus of blame and reproach when there are marital disputes often this is with some justification. The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It' sone of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa. The couple in-laws and their friends need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames. and making a special effort to respect each other.
Remember that the Rasul (sallaallaahu 'alayhi wasallam) did not abandon Fatima and 'Ali even after they got married; hence do not expect that once you are married the parents in-law on both sides would have nothing to do with you again. Never make an issue about "me or them". Remember that mothers are usually sceptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws. Still never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity. Do not forbid your spouse from seeing family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
Do not go to your parents and friends with your quarrels and do not divulge marriage secrets except when you are requesting help to prevent a divorce. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to. And that includes the friends of both spouses.
There are other reasons why a marriage may fail, but there is a greater reason why we should do our best to prevent such failures. Allaah says:
“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out [from every difficulty] and He will provide him from [sources] he" ever could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him." (Q65[at-Talaq]:2-3)
Did you see that these words are in the surah dealing with divorce and right in the middle of the verses of Talaq? Let those who care take heed
Preventing the break-up
Marriages present additional tests which many do not pass as well as they should, even if both the husband and wife are good Muslims. Several spouses fail to fulfil their obligations and fail to treat each another as Islaam demands. When this happens, Allah has laid down certain processes that the spouses (and possibly others helping them)should go through to try to rectify the situation. When one of the spouses is noncompliant or disobedient, it is called Nushooz on the part that spouse, whether husband or wife. The meaning of Nushooz in the language is "rising up". An-Nushooz is each of the spouses having hatred for the other and treating each other in an improper manner and it can come from either spouse. There are three different cases of Nushooz, as Allah has made clear in His Book.
Nushooz by the Wife: Allaah says:
"...And (as for) those(women) from whom you anticipate rebellion, admonish them, avoid them in the sleeping place and hit them. If they obey you, do not desire and further way to (harm) them. Surely, Allaah is Knowing, Great." (Q4 [an-Hisaa]: 34)
In Islaam, Nushooz on the part of the wife revolves around not performing her obligatory religious duties, such as failure to perform salaah, fasting Ramadhan, covering her Awra, obedience to the husband etc. It also includes leaving the house without his permission, not beautifying himself and refusing to come to his bed.
The first thing a husband should do when his wife commits Nushoozor the steps that lead to it is to admonish her using Qur'an and Sunnah about her duties toward Allaah and toward her husband. This is a gentle and mild cure and its goal is to replace drifting apart and rebellion with love, compassion and togetherness in obedience to Allaah. He reminds her of what Allaah has obligated upon her concerning his rights and obedience. She is to be told the results of hers in and disobedience and how she then forfeits her rights how that permits him to strike her and boycott her.
If admonition has no effect, then the next step is to boycott and avoid her. This mainly means to avoid her in the bed. This way, the problem is not known to the children and other family members and there will be a more positive atmosphere for actual reconciliation. The boycotting may include not talking to her, but that should not last more than three days because
'It is not permissible for a Muslim to boycott his fellow Muslim for more than three nights." (Muslim)
However, boycotting her in the bed can continue for as long as he believes it may still lead to her stopping her acts of Nushooz but in no case exceeding four months. (see Q2:226)
The final step to prevent untying the knot is to strike her [lightly and not to pummel her]. Although the Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) said about those who: do so that "they are not the best of you' still in some cases resorting to this may be a beneficial cure which in fact returns the partners back together in love and compassion.
Nushooz by The Husband: Allaah says:
"And if a woman fears Nushooz from her husband or that he may turn away, there is no sin upon the two of them to make terms of agreement between them and agreement is better."(Q4[an-Hisaa]: 118)
Nushooz on the part of the husband revolves around the husband wrongfully elevating and raising himself arrogantly above his wife and above the obligations which Allaah has placed upon him with regard to her. He transgresses against her by beating her, harming her abusing her and not treating her properly. He fails to fulfil his mandatory obligations toward her such as support, etc. He becomes reticent toward her and unconcerned for her by boycotting her in talk or in the bed, refusing to speak to her, etc.
When any of these happens, the wife should try the following three steps: try to discover the reason for his estrangement and/or bad behaviour, admonish her husband and remind him of his responsibility in front of Allaah towards his wife such as good behaviour and kind treatment and try to please her husband in order to make things right. This can be just· by showing kindness and concern and can also include compromising some of her rights for the sake of harmony. Ibn Abbas (RA) said:
"Saudah feared that the Prophet was going to divorce her so she said to him, "O Messenger of Allaah, do not divorce me but keep me and make my day for Aisha." The Prophet (sallaallaahu alayhi wa sallam) did so and the verse was revealed concerning that." (Bukhari)
And 'Umar said: "Whatever points they agree upon are permissible." (Baihaqi)
Nushooz by Both: This is mainly in the sense of 'dislike' and 'turning away' from each other by both husband and wife. Allaah says:
“And if you fear a separation between the two of them, appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If they desire reconciliation, Allaah Will bring them into agreement. Verily Allaah is Knowing, Knowledgeable."(Q4[an-Hisaa]: 35)
Arbitrators should be appointed if dissension occurs between the two spouses and it is not clear which of the two (if either) is committing Nushooz or if 'both of them are; wherein the husband refuses to keep his wife in a proper manner or to set her free in a good way and/or the wife refuses to fulfil her rights that Allah has imposed upon her toward her husband. Arbitrators may also be appointed from outside of the families depending on what is in the best interest of those concerned and their role is to bring about accord between them and to settle their dispute.